The Cullen Diaries
by redrosefell
Summary: Here we get a closer look into the Cullen clan via there own thoughts and words. Up first is a day in the life of Alice. Life has got to get dull sometimes, but often trivial everyday tidbits can be pretty illuminating.
1. Alice

**Thoughts...by Alice**

-June 23-

**2:23am**- Being immortal in a small town sure has its drawbacks. For one, I'm bored beyond tears. What's a girl got to do to have some fun around here?

**2:55am**- Geez! This eternal wide-awake-because-I-don't-need-sleep-and-can't-if-I-wanted-to thing is _reeaaalllyyy_ boring! I think I'll go see what Rosalie's doing. Maybe I can talk her into helping me with wedding plans.

**3:10am**-Well, that was a bust! Sometimes I wonder if Rose even likes me at all. She was all engrossed in watching Emmett flex his muscles and pose for her. "Gross" being key here. You think she'd get tired of it after so many decades.

**3:45am**- Can't find Jasper anywhere. Carlisle and Esme were..um, busy when I "accidently" burst through their door. Edward of course is with Bella. I can't wait 'til she's an eternal insomniac, too. That is if I can tear her away from Edward in a few centuries!

**5:00am**-Jasper is having one of those days-nights-whatever! No it's not the blood lust thing. It's the _other_ lust thing. Can't really blame him, I am kinda hot. I'm just not in the mood. I've spent the last couple hours playing cat and mouse with him. If I get distracted, he'll sneak up on me and use his _talent_ to get me all _anxious_, if you know what I mean. It took me a few years to figure out he was doing that. Dirty little man! lol. At least I have something to occupy my time for now.

**6:05am**- If I got exhausted, I would be. Jasper caught up with me. I'm not even sure if he persuaded me or not. He was shirtless when I ran Into him. Whew! I was wrong.I'm always in the mood for **that**...**"**_**Oh, Jasper?!"**_...

**6:38am**-Maybe just once more_**"Jasper, I need **__**to**_ _**see you for a second...or three"**_...

**7:00am**-Sense Bella is having a wardrobe crisis. What did she ever do before she met me? Good thing I picked up half a dozen outfits or so on my last little binge shopping spree.

**7:34am**-Ran into Jasper, again!... Have to hurry to Bella's now before she puts on coveralls or something!

**11:20am**-Got Bella all settled and she and Edward headed off to do whatever it is they do all the time. No, I don't want to know and I try very hard to put the visions out of my mind. Good gosh, I already saw too much of Carlisle and Esme this morning! Gonna take a while to wash that image out of my brain...Although, I gotta admit-Carlisle's lookin' good to be so old...ugh! What am I saying?

**2:17pm**-Pried Rose away from Emmett long enough to talk her into going shopping.Yeah! Shopping makes everything better!

**6:00pm**-Came home to find Emmett and Jasper playing poker. Emmett looked on the verge of tears. Must've lost something big this time. Jasper was smoking a big cigar and wearing a gangster style hat pulled down low over one eye. If people only knew how ridiculously funny he could be when he wanted to. That look sort of suits him, though! Hmmm? I wonder if they'll be finished soon? I have something I need Jasper to take care of.

**8:30pm**-Edward and Bella are coming soon to watch a monster movie marathon with us. It is down right hilarious how vampires are portrayed in film. I must admit that Brad Pitt could hang around, fangs and all, and I wouldn't complain. _**note to self: make Edward swear not to tell Jasper I **__**thought that just now. He'll make fun of me for ages!**_

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	2. Carlisle

**The Man Who Is Carlisle Cullen:**

_**a page from his journal**_

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Monday-June 15

**3:15pm**-Working double shifts at the hospital today. Why not use the time I've been given helping people, rather than putzing around the house. I'd start to feel like an old man.

**5:00pm**-Slow going at the hospital(which is a good thing), so I left earlier than I had planned.

**5:20pm**-Esme is gone with the girls, shopping no doubt. What in the world is there left to buy? Money is not an issue, but after all the time they've spent shopping throughout the years, it's a wonder the stores have any inventory left.

**5:30pm**-Edward, Emmett, Jasper and I are heading out this weekend for a hunt(camping trip,ha!). I have been mapping out an area we haven't scouted in a while. There should be lots of "veggies" to be had. Must remember to ask Alice if she sees us pleasantly full in the future. I've been doing this for so long, that I've usually finished and had my fill before any of the others. Then I get to sit back(not literally) and watch the boys do their thing.

Edward is so fast that he doesn't even let his prey see him coming. I think his conscious bites back even for killing an animal. When he's upset-more often than not it involves Jacob Black-he toys with them first, cornering them and teasing them to see how hard they'll fight back.

Watching Emmett is like watching a wrestling match. He is very particular about the creature he chooses to make his meal of. He always manages to hunt down the biggest, brawniest bears I've ever seen;possibly man eaters in the making. Anyone else might think it's his version of revenge, _I_ think he did the same thing when he was human. No one will ever convince me that he didn't pick the fight with the bear that almost did him in.

Jasper is the most interesting, though. He stalks his prey and works strategically to gather more than one of them in the same place. I've never seen anything like it. He maneuvers and shifts himself around the woods guerrilla style herding a buffet into one gathering. Then he finishes the whole bunch in seconds. It takes more to satiate Jasper than the rest of us put together. (_I saw him wipe out three elk, a cougar, and a small pack of feral dogs once, and that was only his appetizer!_)

**6:05pm**-Bored. Haven't heard from Esme, yet. I don't want to call and sound like the worry wart husband that I try so hard not to be.

**8:00pm**-Logged onto the net for a couple hours. Found a medical research conference scheduled for next month..."_**Blood Born Viruses and Immunology: New Techniques and Older Therapies**_". Sounds interesting. You never know what you might be ingesting..Ha ha! Rosalie would probably go on a hunger strike if she was on a "normal diet" and sat through the first five minutes of that. I'll have to take notes to torment her with later!

**8:03pm**-Speaking of Rose, I wonder where the girls have gotten to. I would have thought that they would be back by now, parading their new fashions for us. Hope Esme got something see-through...ur, I mean sea green...'cause...um..that's my favorite color.

**9:00pm**-The boys and I played a few hands of poker, in which time Emmett once again lost a small fortune to Jasper. I think I saw him wipe a tear from his eye that last time. For a _big_ guy he is such a baby!

**9:14pm**-Esme still isn't back, so I broke down and called her cell to make sure they were all okay. Alice answered and said she had been expecting to hear from me. Well, yeah of course! She should have **seen** that they were making me nervous and called me before now.

**9:30pm**-Have decided to get the girls back for being so inconsiderate.

**9:35pm**-Esme called back. Alice told her what I was planning for the three of them when they got home. Dang! Just once in a blue moon I wish Alice would blind fold those visions of hers.

**9:45pm**-Change of plans. _I was going to change the locks on all the doors._ I was more careful this time. We could confuse Alice, so that she wouldn't know what to expect. I gathered the guys in the living room and sending instructions to them via Edward's ability and lots of code words,I set my plan to surprise our unsuspecting naughty girls in motion.

**10:00pm**-Alice pulled up to the house and she, Esme and Rose began unloading their new found treasures. Emmett and I were upstairs waiting for the door to open. He was giggling like a little girl and I had to threaten to tell Rosalie about the earlier poker "incident" to get him to shut up. Jasper and Edward were in the kitchen waiting for my signal.

**11:00pm**-Plan did not go as well as I had hoped. Okay, I'll admit it, it sucked.

**Note to self**: Dressing up in the girls' clothes and prancing femininely around complimenting each other is not as funny to them as it is to us. Hunting trip may be pushed up a day... or four.


	3. Emmett

**Emmett:**

**The One and Only**

**9:45pm**-I'm taking Rosalie out to a late night movie. We haven't been out in ages and there's a double feature playing that I've been dying to see. I was even a gentleman and bought her favorite flowers. Those are always good for extra brownie points with my lady!

**11:00pm**-For a girl who technically doesn't even _need_ a bathroom, Rosalie sure spends enough time in there. I mean, for God's sake! She could run a rake through her hair and throw on a potato sack and still be the hottest thing this town's ever seen. _"Rose, hurry up, would 'ya?"_

**11:30pm**-I was planning on making this a night Rose wouldn't soon forget, but I wish _I_ could forget it now. She is still in that !#$ bathroom! She doesn't even need makeup!

**12:00pm**-I give up and head downstairs. Maybe there's something on late night TV to zombify me. I love Rose, but sometimes I could ring her beautiful neck.

**12:18pm**-Rosalie just glided down the stairs to finally grace me with her presence. She acts like nothing's wrong and gets pissed because _I'm_ not ready. _What the he?! _Ugh! Why do I even bother?

**1:00am**-Rose and I "made up" after she shouted at me for being so impatient and then pouted when I called her a harpy. She does this all the time. First she gets me all wound up and then drags me off to bed, not that I ever need to be dragged! Sometimes I think she does it on purpose.

**2:00am**-I told Rosalie that I forgot something out in the Jeep and I should probably go and get it before it goes bad...I'll have to think of something to bring back or she'll figure out I was lying. Truth is..man, I hope no one ever reads this...she's wearing me out! That girl may look all proper on the outside, but don't be fooled, she can get down and dirty better than anyone I ever met. (I hope Rose never reads THAT! Ha!)

**2:12am**-Surprise! **-not- **Rose secretly reads my journal. Won't be any rodeos for this cowboy for a long time!

**3:00am**-Jasper wants to play cards. I swear, I _will_ beat him one of these days, even if it takes me 50 more years to do it.

**3:10am**-Jasper won. Five out of five. I give up.

_"Jasper is the ultimate poker champ! Emmett plays cards worse than a two year old with one hand tied behind his back..." _

There Jasper, I said it. Hope your happy...It's not fair.sniff

**4:00am**-This night can't get much worse. Rosalie locked me out of our room and threatened to disassemble my Jeep if I broke down the door. Then I chased a stray dog out of the garage for Esme and slipped in it's crap on the way back in the house. Good God! How much poo can one beagle possibly hold at one time?!

Enough apparently to cover both my shoes and one whole side of my jeans.

**4:05am**-I was so, so wrong. It can get much worse. Rose refused to let me in to get some new clothes. Nobody else has anything to fit me and when I tried to climb up and through our bedroom window, Rosalie broke our nightstand over my head. I ask, is that any way for a woman to treat her hubby?

**4:10am**-Rosalie decided to play nice. She still won't let me in the room, but she did send Alice down with some clothes...hers of course. Ha! Ha! Very funny, Rose. Fuchsia is **so** not my color.


	4. Esme

**Esme**

_**Hard Working Woman**_

**-Wed., Feb. 14-**

**5:30am**-It would have been nice just this one time to have a husband who slept in late. I could have surprised him with a Valentine's day breakfast in bed...Well, maybe not breakfast, I would be cleaning up fur for weeks, but something to that effect.

**5:40am**-Cleaning. Hmm. Since the house is empty except for me, I think I'll get everything nice and clean so Carlisle and I can enjoy our evening alone. Jasper and Alice, Rose and Emmett, and Edward and Bella all have plans to go out this evening. We decided to take the opportunity to stay in and enjoy a little peace and quiet. We seldom get to be alone in the house. It will be a nice change.

**6:00am**-Does anyone around here ever notice _who_ does the laundry, including someone whose name I won't mention's very stinky socks. How _does_ a vampire get their socks to smell so much like week old garbage-_Emmett_?-when we don't sweat, therefore there's no reason to produce such pungent body odor?

**7:00am**-An hour! And that was at vampire speed! It took me _an hour _to get the smell out of those...those things. I'm not even sure you could call them socks anymore! Once, I thought they were going to stand of their own free will and fight back while I was scrubbing them. Next time I'll just dispose of them properly with a shovel in the back yard.

**7:45am**-Good Grief! Could someone explain to me why, when we don't even ingest human food and haven't in ages, there are crumbs of some sort in every cabinet in the kitchen-mixed of course with what I assume must be giant turds of the giant rat that's been enjoying those crumbs!?

**8:00am**-I don't get paid enough to do the things I do around here. What am I saying? I don't get paid at all! And even if I did, it wouldn't be enough...And even if it was..well, I'd quit!

**9:15am**-Aargh! Jasper, when I get my hands on you, I'm gonna..._Deep breaths, Esme_...He didn't mean it. I'm sure when he wrote the note asking why the "maid" hadn't changed his sheets yet, he was only trying to be funny. _Deep breaths...deep calming breaths..whew! _

**10:00am**-Carlisle called a few minutes ago to say he would be home early. No major traumas so far and the hospital is trying to cut costs by keeping as few staff

on hand as they can each shift. Carlisle doesn't work there for the measly salary anyway, so he offered to forfeit any pay when he isn't on the grounds. He's on call if they need him, but unless he's actually at the hospital he won't make a cent. He is so generous.

Now...how exactly can I fake a headache that would fool an "anxious" vampire/doctor? Just in case he wants to "play doctor" when he gets here. I'm so not in the mood.

**11:00am**-_Do the dishes, Cinderelly. Wash the laundry, Cinderelly. Dust Carlisle's precious books, please, Cinderelly_. Well, this Cinderella has just about had enough. If he thinks after the morning I've had that _I'm_ going to spend one second dusting _his_ huge library, he's got another thing coming!

I'm going to tell Prince Charming to stick this feather duster up his...-sigh-

He did say please, didn't he?

**1:00pm**-I'm calling a Realtor just as soon as I can find a phone book. I'm putting this place on the market, and finding a nice dank cave for the seven of us to wallow in. At least the cobwebs there will blend nicely with the decor.

**7:00pm**-Managed to avoid physical contact with Carlisle by staying busy helping Rosalie and Alice find something to wear for the evening. I wish I had that nice little cave to crawl into. I'm sick of looking at these walls.

**8:00pm**-Well, I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet! With all the hustle-bustle I imposed upon myself I completely forgot the reason I was even cleaning in the first place.

Carlisle was trying to get me to come and look at something in his study and I kept telling him I was too busy. Finally he came down himself and carried me-kicking like a mule and fiery as a hornet- upstairs to the most beautiful surprise I didn't deserve.

He had somehow managed to sneak hundreds of red and pink roses into the house and had filled every nook and cranny of his study with them. The floor was carpeted with delicate rose petals from probably another few hundred roses, and there were candles strategically placed to make the room look like it belonged in a fairy tale castle instead of the home I had cursed all day.

I would have cried, but then Carlisle started to serenade me with some horribly sappy ballad and he couldn't keep a straight face.

Happy Valentine's Day to me. I'm such an idiot, but at least my Prince Charming loves me anyway.


	5. Rosalie

**Rosalie**

_**A Rose By Any Other Name...**_

**-Friday-**

**-5:00am-**Super Sale beginning at 6 this morning at the mall! If you don't get there when the doors open you'll be hitching a ride in from where you left your car...in Idaho.

**-5:30am-**Sometimes I wonder what the point is in not killing humans. Especially the really stupid ones. Some jerk cut me off and stole my parking space. He made some comment about being the early bird. I showed him a bird, alright.

**-5:45am-**Ugh! Finally found a decent parking space, but not as good as the one I lost to _Mr. When-I-Come-Out-I'm-Gonna-Find-I-Have-Four-Very-Flat-Tires._ Decided I didn't need the lecture about controlling my rage from Carlisle, or the disappointed looks from Esme. Sped away from the crime scene, before anyone was the wiser. I'm sure the guy had pissed off plenty more people besides me.

**-6:00am-**Came straight home and walked in pouting, hoping Emmett would find some way to cheer me up. I don't know why I bother frequenting the mall anyway. No _haute couture _there. Maybe I can talk Emmett into a trip to Paris in a month or so. I would try for sooner, but he's not very fond of anything French. He told me once that anyone who considers snails a delicacy has major issues and then he added that the (**and I quote**) _"poor snails should be left to roam free and live in the wild, not made a meal out of". -_Like they're some sort of cuddly endangered species or something. It cracks me up that he won't just admit how queasy it makes him. He craves blood and yet he turns green and gags if he even thinks about a slimy food he's never eaten. -snort-

**-7:00am-**Emmett is zoned out with Alice in front of the television. That thing will rot your brain. I myself prefer to read. Yeah, I know...I'm the pretty, rich blond girl...intelligence is not suppose to be part of the package. I should mark that in the "good reasons to" column on my list of whether or not it's the best idea to remain a _vegetarian_.

The "good reasons to" side is gathering steam. It's already much loner than the "why I shouldn't" row...I just started the list this morning.

**-8:00am-**Eww! Saw a mouse or some kind of rodent in the kitchen today. I told Esme it was a bad idea when she decided to keep food in there for Bella.

**-2:00pm-**Had to check on Alice and Emmett twice in the last six hours to make sure they hadn't turned to stone. They have hardly moved since this morning.

Good God, they're brains must have liquefied! Maybe I should tell Edward to bring Bella by for dessert. _We're having Jell-O courtesy of Alice and Emmett's heads_.

**-3:00pm-**The boob tube twins finally freed themselves from the evil grasp of the TV. I asked Alice if she wanted to go to the supermarket with me to buy some gelatin. She said she and Emmett had a project that needed taking care of, but maybe some other time. She never even asked what the I wanted gelatin for.

Yep, her brain is definitely goo.

**-4:00pm- **The two of them have been locked in Alice's bathroom for an hour. If I even thought that Emmett was remotely attracted to his faux sister, I'd rip the door off the hinges, tear one of his caveman arms out of the socket and beat him profusely with it.

But let's face it, there's never been any female who could compete with me for Emmett's affection. He's putty in my hands.

**-4:22pm-** I have never been so embarrassed to be Mrs.Rosalie Hale-Cullen.(That's the name on our last marriage certificate...Emmett wasn't crazy about the hyphen!)

Gliding down the stairs came Alice followed nearly as gracefully by Emmett. Or should I say Emma? His hair was under a plastic shower cap. His fingernails and toenails were each painted a different shade of red. And the best part? His radiant beauty was highlighted by the many shades of eyeshadow and rouge Alice had painted on his face. I hated to ask.

**-5:00pm-** Finally caved and asked what was up with Emmett's killer clown makeover. He muttered something rude and stalked off. Alice explained that he had broken one too many promises to her over the years and today she had decided to call in the enormous favor. Emmett was her wedding planning guinea pig.

By the time I had arrived from the mall escapade this morning she had subjected him to hours of the DIY network, taking mental notes on the latest trends in bridal showers, wedding decor and receptions. She had quizzed him on wedding guest etiquette, and for every question he answered wrong she got to test a beauty product on him.

From the looks of him he hadn't been paying attention during Wedding Planning 101.

**-7:30pm-**_Alice's reign of Terror, _as Emmett referred to it, finally ended, but he still had traces of nail polish on his fingers. I know I should let it drop, but he makes the funniest face when I call him Emma. He kept glancing past me into the kitchen. I told him about the creature I spotted in there earlier, and asked him kindly to dispose of it.

**-10:41pm-**I am never, _ever_, _**ever**_ going into the kitchen again. Emmett called me down stairs. I found him standing with the pantry door half open. When I asked what he was doing he said he was preparing to have a "snack". I wondered why in the world he would attempt to eat _food_. He leaned into the cabinet and then jumped out from behind the door. He grinned playfully at me and popped something into his mouth...

I saw the little pink tail wiggle before he slurped it down like a noodle.

**"ESCARGOT!" **I screamed at him.

Hope he gets the half chewed mouse barf cleaned up before Esme gets home.

**-11:00PM-**Plotting some wicked revenge. Pay back's a bitch and her name is Rosalie.


	6. Edward

While Bella Sleeps

Edward

**11:15**- Just dropped Bella off at Charlie's. Of course, I'll be back in her bed in a few minutes -after I drop off the car and run back. _If her daddy only knew the thoughts I was thinking about his little girl_... Humans are so naive.

**11:18**- Bella's window was stuck. It's an old house and I guess I _have_ made more use of it lately than it's use to enduring. Had I been human, the sudden stop when I hit the ground would have been painful. Vampires are supposed to be grateful. Thank God Bella doesn't know how incredibly alike we are in the awkward department. If I hadn't slipped on the ice that morning in the parking lot and slid into her, she'd be dead right now. So, I guess my clumsiness is a good thing. Since I have super human quick reflexes, I have so far been able to fool her into thinking I'm a suave, together gentleman who plays hero to her damsel in distress.

snort I wish.

**11:45**-Ran home and changed before Bella came to the window to investigate the strange crash-bang out on the lawn. I convinced her that Jacob must have been spying on her -the pervert- and it would be best if she snuggled _really_ close to me tonight. Had to stop at that.

Wanted to suggest she removed all her clothes so as to impress upon Jacob that we were "together" if he should be dumb enough to sneak another peek. _hee-hee _

Afraid this would backfire. Still have her convinced that I'm a saintly virgin intent upon protecting our virtues. Won't she be surprised when she sees the talents I've been perfecting through the centuries.

**WHAT**? I've been a horny 17 year old for nearly a century! Abstinence is good in theory, but boredom is worse than death! Had to find some new entertainment sometime or other.

**MIDNIGHT**-Good thing I've developed such excellent self control through the ages. Bella's thoughts are simply devilish!

That's one girl with a xxx mind. May be more than I bargained for. Can't wait 'til the honeymoon!

**1:00am**- Boring watching Bella sleep all night long. I've recently begun sneaking into Charlie's room and whispering subliminal messages to him.

Tomorrow he's likely to show up at work dressed in fishnets and a leather mini skirt, convinced he's working under cover as an ex-drag queen prostitute. When I left the room he was mumbling about "those darn teenagers and their kinky fetishes".

I've already got him believing that Mike Newton is a serial sexual weirdo who's into licking car door handles for kicks. Charlie has taken to carrying a handkerchief to open ALL doors with now! I crack myself up!

**4:00am**-One of these days, I really have to find a hobby. So far tonight I have sorted all of Bella's socks into dress and casual, scrubbed the scunge from around the toilet -she never gets it all, and counted 74 spiders crawling around her room. note to self: bring pesticide tomorrow night.

**4:25am**-Oh, Dear God! Must not let Bella eat Mexican food ever again. I think the hairs in my nose have melted and fused my nasal cavities together. I sure hope so, because if she cuts another one like that last one I am so outta here!

**4:30am**-Okay, that takes the cake. This has got to be some kind of record. Tomorrow night I'm bringing a camera. How can someone drool that much and not be dehydrated in the morning?

On top of that, Bella just picked her nose...and wiped it on me! Ick! I am going home. I'll just have Alice let me know when Bella's going to wake up and I'll dart back so she thinks I never left. Boogers and drool and gas, Oh My!


	7. Bella

**What Bella Saw**

**-4:14pm- **I may have just suffered an aneurysm of some sort. I laughed until my head felt like it was going to burst.

-Emmett came bolting down the stairs laughing manically with Alice after him, looking like she might take his head off. She was shouting something about "just helping her sort them out, not dragging his man panties through them" and that's when I saw what Emmett was wearing...a gold cocktail dress and matching stilettos. The dress was held together by threads because it was sized to fit a slender framed petite woman-namely Alice- and Emmett, who is close to the size of a water buffalo, had managed to get it all the way on. His feet were squished into tiny shoes and by some miracle they were holding him up...at least for the moment. On the bottom step, both heels snapped and Emmett's expression will be with me until...well, for a long time.

He fell forward and never attempted to catch himself. His face smacked the floor with enormous force. Alice tripped over him and her rear end came to rest on the back of his head driving it into the floor. I think I heard her tail bone crack.

Jasper picked the best time to arrive. He opened the front door and dropped the package he was holding.

I looked from him to the dummies and it hit me.

Emmett was still sprawled face down, dressed in his finery-his hand firmly grasping a matching clutch purse. In the place of a head, there was Alice with her hands under her butt, and her knees pulled to her chin.

"Mutants," I said in a matter of fact tone to Jasper.

"Ah," he replied, "It was bound to happen sooner or later."

**-5:00pm-** Finally stopped laughing at the performance I caught earlier. Jasper had to "help" me calm down. Wish he had could have calmed down my bladder. I nearly wet my pants when Alice stood up and Rosalie called her "butt head". I crawled up the stairs to Alice's bathroom. Almost didn't make it.

**-5:07pm-** Edward came running in a minute after my near "accident". He caught me with my pants down...literally. If his face could have turned red, it would have been maroon. I think he stood and stared just a little too long for a gentleman. I have no problem with the vampire thing, but if he's gonna be all kinky with bathroom hygiene we may have some issues to discuss. Yuck! That's just nasty.

**-5:30pm-** Esme called to tell Carlisle she would be late getting home this evening.

Good thing. Emmett will have to face the wrath of "Mommy Dearest" when she gets here and the more time I have to get out of Dodge, the better. I prefer to think of Esme as sweet and loving. I don't want to wreck that mental image just yet.

**-6:00pm-** Edward is acting weird. Alice mentioned something about Mike Newton not being around town much lately, and Edward started giggling. Giggling! Since when does he giggle?

**-6:45pm-** This is just absurd. All I have to do is mention Mike's name and Edward nearly falls to the floor laughing. What's even stranger is that Edward keeps insisting I open the doors when I enter or leave a room. Then just when my hand touches the doorknob he mutters something like, "Doorknobs. I'll have to tell Charlie about Mike and the doorknobs..." _**WHAT? **_I don't get it.

**-7:00pm-** Am I living in Wonderland, or what? I went out to get a CD from my truck that I wanted to give Emmett, and Charlie was out there...cleaning my door handles! I didn't even ask. I must be hallucinating. I'm not sure I want to know what's going on. It's strange enough that Charlie would even be at the Cullen's. The obsessive-compulsive cleaning just pushes it over the insanity edge. Maybe I'll ask Carlisle to check him out later.

**-7:30pm-** Emmett and Carlisle managed to repair most of the damage to the floor before Esme got home. She wasn't't too terribly harsh with them.

I had mentioned to her once that I had always wanted to see the Eiffel tower and she did the sweetest thing. She was late because she had been picking up take-out from a little French restaurant on her way home. I think she's living vicariously through me. She watches me intently as I try every new thing she brings home for me to eat. I guess eventually you forget what it's like to have human food.

**-7:37pm-** I must have done something to make Emmett mad at me. He came into the kitchen just as Esme, Edward and I were dishing out the French cuisine.He turned on his heels and darted out of the kitchen yelling every curse word I've ever heard and some I haven't. He normally _likes _to watch me eat. I am so confused.

**-8:00pm-** Rosalie reassures me that I haven't done anything to upset Emmett, but he won't come out of their room to speak to me. Rose is never this polite, so I'm sure she knows something she's not telling. As I turned to walk back down the hall I think I heard her whisper "Escargot" through the door to Emmett. If I didn't know better I would swear I heard him vomit.

**-9:00pm-** I'm going home. There's no way I'm sleeping in this mad house tonight. Everybody's acting so freaking weird. Why haven't I ever noticed before? Jasper has been the only normal one around.

**-9:11pm-** Okay. So maybe _**everyone**_ is being weird. I went to tell Jasper goodnight and I found him curled up in a fetal position in the floor of the living room saying "Please don't say it again, Rose!" over and over. I was worried about him so I went to get Esme and Carlisle. THAT was a mistake!

I never walked in on my parents having sex, thank God, but I think this was worse. I didn't realize becoming a vampire made one so flexible.

**-9:30pm-** Edward stopped laughing at me long enough to drive me home. Charlie was standing by his cruiser wiping down the door handles. Edward guffawed so hard that he didn't even hear me slam the door as I got out. Somebody must have sprayed the town with crazy juice. I'm going to bed. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a normal day.

**-1:00am- THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! **What dimension have I fallen into. I woke up to find that Edward wasn't lying beside me. I figured the crazy must have worn off by now and he probably went home for a while to check on everyone else. WRONG!

I heard peals of laughter coming from Charlie's room, so I ran to check it out. There was Edward rolling on the floor and Charlie mumbling in his sleep something that sounded like_**.."Darn kids, leave those goats alone! Mike Newton, if you don't keep your tongue to yourself I'll have to take you down town this instant!"**_

**-2:00pm-** Edward tells me that even vampires have to get their kicks somehow and I just happened to catch the family's fun times all at once. I told him that I didn't know if I'd be able to handle all of that for the next hundred or so years!

He just started laughing again and said that I would get used to it.

I told him that catching fleas and smelling like wet dog was starting to sound pretty good.

He stopped laughing.


	8. Charlie

**Poor Charlie**

Saturday

**5:30am- **Had the strangest dream last night. I've always heard that dreams are your mind's way of dealing with the stuff you don't have time to think about while you're awake...but I swear it must have been something I ate before I went to bed. Still, I think I'll check up on that Mike Newton kid. You can never be too sure.

**6:15am-** Bella has been sleeping in every morning for a while now. Guess she gets that from Renee. I like to beat the sunrise every chance I get. "The early chief gets the bad guy," I always say. It's sort of my policy to be out patrolling before an accident can happen. People always go slower when they know I'm watching.

I wonder when the last time was that I gave the doors a good wipe down? You are suppose to do that, aren't you?

_Note to self: buy furniture polish on way home this evening...and bleach...doors need cleaned...especially the knobs and handles._

**7:30am-** Darn kids. I'm not sure, but I think I counted one less goat over in old man Williams' field. I'd bet anything that those hoodlums I've seen driving by so much lately had something to do with it disappearing. I don't even want to _imagine_ what they might want with a goat. I doubt it's a pet they were lookin' for. What's the world coming to?

**8:00am-** Went by the grocery store to pick up some milk and bread. Didn't really need it. Just needed an excuse to go by Newton's and make sure that kid of theirs isn't up to something. He's messing with me. I'm sure of it.

_When did my cruiser's door handles get so shiny? _I'll just stop by the car wash for a second before I drop the groceries off at the house.

**9:15am-** Can you catch anything serious from touching door handles? I think I'll use a handkerchief just to be safe.

**10:00am- **grrr. Mike Newton. I know he's just sitting back waiting to put his perverted little thoughts into action. Bet he knows where the goat is, too. I could pull him aside for questioning, but until I have solid proof it would be best to let him think I don't know anything.

**10:45am-** Saw those trouble making kids "admiring" Williams' goats a few minutes ago. Would have swung back by to run them off, but remembered that I was planning a sting operation for this afternoon.

Wonder if I can find fishnet stockings in town? May have to go into Seattle tonight and put the under cover work off until tomorrow.

**8:00pm-** Don't know what I was thinking. Can't possibly "play hooker" while I have a suspect on the loose getting his rocks off by licking innocent people's door handles. Not sure what that would do for anyone, but we all have our little kinks, don't we?

**9:00pm-** Nothing good on TV and Bella's out with _Edward_. Don't know what it is about that guy that irks me so. He just creeps me out. Sometimes it's like he knows what I'm thinking.

Why can't Bells just give Jake a chance? He's more my kind of person. So loyal and friendly. He'd make a nice son-in-law some day. You just want to give him a hug...or a pat..._or scratch his belly. _Wait...why would I want to do that? Strange. Must be tired.

**10:00pm-** Waited up for Bella and then headed off to bed. If I didn't know better, I would think I heard her talking to someone in her room. I might as well play it safe. She wouldn't sneak _him_ in...would she?

**10:15pm-** Nope. Just Bella talking to herself. She's a little weird sometimes, but she's still my little girl. Can't believe she's so grown up already.

Now. Time to catch a few Zs. Tomorrow comes early and I still haven't got enough on Mike Newton to pin the licking bandit name on him.

**12:45pm-** Whoa! I thought that dream last night was strange, but this one takes the cake. I couldn't have been out for more than a few minutes when I started hearing Edward Cullen's voice whispering my name. I jumped up and there he was just staring at me from the foot of my bed. When I screamed, he just vanished...POOF! GONE!

Yeesh! What does that mean? Dreaming of my daughter's boyfriend?

**4:00am-** Woke up to Bella arguing loudly and someone else laughing. Sounded like a guy. Must have been another dream. Bells talks in her sleep...a lot! Maybe she started using other voices now, too. With her anything's possible, I guess.

**5:30am-** So tired. Need more sleep. No. Have to go to work. Have to catch the bad guys.

Hmm. I don't remember buying the fishnets...or the mini skirt...Hey! When did I shave my legs?

Oh, well. Maybe I'll lure those punk kids in, or at least some of the older perverts looking for a good time. Besides, I haven't been on a date in ages.


End file.
